Catatan PhD (Bahagian 1)

Teks: Rafeah Wahi

Pagi ini saya berkesempatan membuka blog peribadi PhD saya yang telah lama saya abaikan. Saya rasa elok juga jika saya kongsi semula apa yang saya pernah tulis di situ untuk panduan rakan-rakan yang mungkin kehilangan motivasi atau merasa penat sepanjang perjalanan menuntut ilmu. Percayalah, semuanya asam garam yang ditempuhi oleh semua insan yang bergelar penuntut ilmu. Apa yang menarik, bila kejayaan sudah digenggam dan kita toleh semula ke masa silam kita akan terkejut dengan ketabahan diri kita sendiri. Kita akan terkejut dan terfikir-fikir bagaiman mampu kita menghadapi dugaan besar di masa silam itu. Kita akan senyum dan mengucapkan syukur ke hadrat Ilahi kerana perjalanan menuntut ilmu ini memberi erti hidup yang baru buat kita, dan menukar kita yang lama kepada kita yang lebih baik insyaAllah, hari ini.

Baiklah, saya kongsikan ya. Bermula dari catatan peribadi 1 hingga 5 sahaja, kerana ini sahaja catatan peribadi yang saya jumpa. Maafkan saya kerana catatan itu di dalam bahasa Inggeris. Tapi demi mengekalkan aura yang saya rasa ketika menulis catatan tersebut, saya kekalkan juga catatan tersebut seperti mana asalnya.


Catatan 1: 29 Februari 2012

3 Weeks' Over

This morning when I arrived at the Faculty at 10.43 am I was about to cry. I really cried while walking from my car to the graduate room. Why? Because it's my already the 3rd week of phd journey and yet I still do the "drive n lost" thing! The fact that really shook my mood, and making me start thinking what a helpless person I am. I can't even remember route from my home to UPM fast and proper. Just imagine how am I going to settle more challenging things?

Flashing back to the day we landed in KL, I haven't had the chance to really release my tense the positive way. Everything happened so fast and I really didn't have the time to sit down and cry. I cried a lot actually within the past 3 weeks. The first time I cried for the stupidest reason - I just got back from shopping things we need to move in to the new place, and before I could enter the house my beloved mother in laws ask for something to eat with intonations that I can't accept (forgive me Allah for my bad deeds :( I really didn't know which syaitan has gotten into me at that time). Although I kept my mouth shut I started to unpack things in the kitchen with an angry heart followed by bang bang boom sound of the dishes. Astaghfirullahalazim, I'm so shame of my behaviour. I'm sorry mak... Finally I sit and cried near the fridge. My mom gave me a hug and said sabar..in a cry I reply how stressful I was..

The next time I released my stress was on my lovely son Musa. I'm sorry son, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Spanking you badly when you're just a normal little boy who is being a little naughty because you need some attention from me. Astaghfirullahalazim...I'm sorry Ya Allah..I'm such a bad mother.

In brief, the past 3 weeks has been a hectic and challenging time for me and others involved (my kids, mother and husband). Adapting to new driving route and daily routine without dearly husband. Plus rethinking the fact that my mom left everything she loved in Sarawak just to be there for me. I once discuss my weariness about bothering my mother to look after my kids during the first 6 moths and Zainab  told to accept my mother's help. I accepted it, but my heart's aching inside to see how my mother looks tired everytime I reached home. It's tearing my heart apart to see her like that, truly madly deeply! Because I once promised myself that I will never bother my mother.

Oh my! The egoistic, perfectionist side of me is crying. The part that always refuse to get help no matter what. Now I have to live the fact that I DO NEED OTHERS - I need to move on. I must decide to accept other people's help on me and for the time being repay their good deeds with sincere dua for them.

And I make decision to reorganize my daily activities so that I can use my time efficiently. I must help to reduce my mother's burden wherever possible: Let me do the laundry, sweeping, and get the kids organized n eat before coming to UPM (which will make me arrive in UPM the earliest by 9.30am everyday, if I stop the "drive n lost" thing). It's fair to me considering the 80:20 concept. 2-4hrs quality time per day is enough if I use them well. And yes, I must stop 'drive n lost".

I will also do the cooking for kids, feed them in the evening, prepare their clothings for tomorrow and sleep early to be in good shape the next day. Let's see if this works for me. I will update in another 3 weeks insyaallah.

Ya Allah, I love You and I need You - Please come into my heart. Please show me the best way to handle everything Ya Allah, for I am only your weak slave. There's no strength other than the strength You bestow me. Please Ya Allah be gentle to me. Protect my family and all the people who helped me..Amin...

3 weeks' has passed and I'm not killed! And they said what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. We'll see about that in 3 weeks time.

And yes, I missed my husband more than ever. And I love him more than ever! - now I know how significant he has been in my life. But I have to move on. My kids need me.

Astaghfirullahalazim...saya bertaubat pada Allah atau segala dosa saya terhadap keluarga saya sepanjang tempoh tersebut. Syukurlah Allah tidak tarik balik nikmat keluarga dari saya pada ketika saya berbuat dosa itu. Sekarang saya tidak putus-putus belajar kaedah mendidik anak dari pelbagai sumber dan memilih untuk membesarkan anak-anak dengan lebih berilmu dan penuh kasih sayang.

Pengajaran buat kita semua.

Salam sayang,

Rafeah